Fear has a large shadow, but he himself is quite small. He has a vivid imagination. He composes horror music in the middle of the night. He is not very social, and he keeps to himself at political meetings. His past is a mystery. He warned us not to talk to each other about him, adding that there is nowhere any of us could go where he wouldn’t hear us. We were quiet. When we began to talk to each other, he changed. His manners started to seem pompous, and his snarling voice sounded rehearsed.
Two dragons guard Fear’s mansion. One is ceramic and Chinese. The other is real. If you make it past the dragons and speak to him close up, it is amazing to see how fragile he is. He will try to tell you stories. Be aware. He is a master of disguises and illusions. Fear almost convinced me that he was a puppet-maker and I was a marionette.Speak out boldly, look him in the eye, startle him. Don’t give up. Win his respect, and he will never bother you with small matters.
– J. Ruth Gendler
Dear Springhouse community,
I love how stories and old folk tales teach us about deep and mysterious things in life. I recently read one of these stories in an adult course at Springhouse. It was a tale from Ethiopia about a young boy learning to face his fears. This story, and the one above about fear from Ruth Gendler, ultimately teach us that if we have the courage to stay in healthy relationship to the fear we feel, the fear is much less likely to grow and dominate our lives.
Over the last year, I have had this experience as I learn how to live with, what my oncologist calls, “a manageable cancer.” This kind of situation is fertile ground for my fear to take over, but instead, I have chosen to be in a healthy relationship with the fear I feel by doing what is within my power – getting a second opinion, seeing my oncologist and dermatologist every three months, and taking good and nurturing care of my body. I am also learning how to stay connected to the feelings that come with a diagnosis like this. I do that by making sure I have the support I need, emotionally and spiritually, as I walk this new path. If I ignore what is happening, this situation and what I feel will take over my life in all kinds of ways. If I focus too much on it, my fear will grow and create stories that unnecessarily limit my life.
Being human is vulnerable. Experiencing fear at times is part of the journey. When I do, I make sure that I honor the fear by creating generative systems of support that allow me to learn from the fear, rather than be dominated by it. The fear I described above is ultimately related to my mortality. This next story is about what happens when I allow myself to stay curious about the fear of someone who has different views from mine, while also setting healthy boundaries that protect my integrity as well as that of the other person.
A couple of summers ago, when I was in downtown Floyd, I saw a man in his 70s standing at the stoplight in the blazing sun with a political sign. As I walked by, I smiled and wondered what I would say if he talked to me, as I could see by his sign that our political views were different from one another. I went on to have lunch with a friend, and as I headed back to my car, I noticed he was still standing there. As I passed him, I decided to ignore the slight intuitive nudge I felt to talk to him. I got into my car and began to drive out of the parking lot. As I drove out, I noticed he was sitting on some steps next to the parking lot. I parked my car, went over, and said to him, “I passed you a couple of times today, and if you don’t mind, I wanted to ask you something. Is that ok?” He responded agreeably, so I asked, “I am so curious. What is motivating you to stand out in the hot sun for hours today?” He looked up at me and said, “I am tired of being ripped off. I have been ripped off my whole life by my friends and my family, and I think that this political candidate can save us from being ripped off.” Then, he put his face in his hands and started to cry.
After listening to a bit more of his story, I said to him, “I hear you, and I have to say, my hope does not come from that person saving us, nor do I think the other candidates will. I think it is us. I think it is community that will save us.” He looked at me for a moment, and then said, “Me too.” We went on to talk about where we lived in Floyd County and learned that we were neighbors and even shopped at the same little farm store. As I walked away and wished him well, he made a derogatory comment about a group of people. I turned around and said, “It was really nice talking to you, and I am not ok with that comment. We all deserve to be loved.” He stopped what he was saying, smiled gently and waved, and I was on my way.
Building a community that fosters unity and respects difference is not easy. It is complex. Beloved community honors that, through life, we are all simultaneously connected yet different from each other. Beloved community stays healthy by having systems in place to take care of relationships and teaches us how to honor and navigate differences. Beloved community understands the power of healthy boundaries that help us to create the lives we want to live and the world we want to live in. Without this kind of community design, we will likely create lives and systems that keep us close to what we feel comfortable with and separate from those we experience as different. The more separate we are, the more afraid we become and the more likely we are to create individual and collective stories that fuel that division. To live differently, we need long-term communities with a shared vision that foster unity and value diversity. We need long-term communities that teach us how to be good to ourselves, to each other, and to this planet. We need this now more than ever.
When I do not react to my fear but get curious about it, my fear awakens me to deeper parts of myself that remember, first and foremost, we all belong to each other. From that understanding, I continue to learn how to respect diversity with compassion and good boundaries. Building this kind of beloved community is top priority at Springhouse – a community where we practice how to navigate diversity with integrity and care.
To live fully in a safe and loving community is a birthright for all. The building of this kind of community takes time, and there can be no financial barriers to an initiative with this kind of mission. I am not only inspired by the design we practice to create community and the curriculum we articulated to use in our intergenerational programs, but I am also inspired by our diverse and liberating economic model – one that you can participate in in many ways, including becoming a long-term partner. Learn more about that initiative here.
Thank you for all of the ways you participate in this beloved community. May we learn from our fears about how to more clearly and compassionately live with ourselves and with each other.
Gratefully,
Jenny
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